Thoughts

Some thoughts running through my head tonight...

Aiden is having tubes put in his ears tomorrow morning. Landon had them done when he was about this age, so I know they will help and it's an easy procedure. But just praying for a good night's sleep for Aiden and that all things go well in the morning!!! Austin will be later...of course he had to get sick! :)

I read this quote on another blog tonight ("Mom and a Microphone") from a Starbucks cup...it's a good one:

Do not kiss your children so they will kiss you back, but so they will kiss their children and their childrens children.
By Noah Benshea

And one final request for anyone who happens upon my blog...please say prayers for a friend/co-worker of mine. She has 5 month old identical twin girls who have just been diagnosed with a genetic disorder with no cure. Lots of fear, questions, sadness right now...trying to figure it all out. My heart is going out to them and praying for hope, answers, anything that will help. Thank you.

I'm going to kiss my boys, say a prayer, and head to bed!

Fun with Cousins

A few weekends ago, we had the Tusing boys over to spend the night. Landon, Austin and Aiden all had fun playing with Evan, Justin and Brad. It has been a while since we've had any sleep overs, so it was fun!! Here are some pictures from the night....

At dinner they were trying to see who had the biggest mouth...who do you think is the winner? (Sorry for the half chewed food in their mouths!) :)

And just some random shots from the fun...Austin and Aiden loved getting rides.

Never Forgotten

"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose - for all that we love becomes part of us."

Five years ago, our lives were changed forever. I was 22 weeks pregnant with twins and things seemed to be going so well. On January 15, 2004, Devin Lee and Elizabeth Ann were born, much to early. We had to say good-bye almost as soon as we said hello. I never imagined after trying so long to have a child that we would have to say good-bye. No parent should have to bury their child at any age. I long to hold them again every day.

Time is an amazing healer. It's funny how in the early days I never thought I would feel again...would laugh again...wouldn't hurt...but somehow the days go by and it happens. I also remember feeling (and still do sometimes) that time is such a hard thing. Each day that passes is a day further away from the time I had with Devin and Elizabeth. It's like with any great loss - you will always carry the loss with you, but you find ways to build it into your life, not forget about it.

There is so much that I want to say, but I am not a very good writer. Some days I still feel anger over what happened and I certainly will always wonder why. I pray that I am able to share Devin and Elizabeth with Landon, Austin and Aiden as they grow in a way that they can understand how much we love all 5 of our children and how much they were all wanted. What a gift they all are to us.

As much as I miss Devin and Elizabeth, is as much as I am thankful for the 3 boys I have. I know I am blessed...there were many days that we wondered if we would ever have a baby to bring home. I look at my boys today and am just amazed at how I have been blessed. And I find comfort in knowing we have two precious angels watching over our family. I would give anything to have Devin and Elizabeth here with me...and yet I feel like I was meant to be Landon, Austin and Aiden's mom, too. I have no way of knowing what our life would "look like" had Devin and Elizabeth survived...but I have to trust that this was the plan. I will always question and wonder why....but I am also so thankful for all that I do have. And I will forever carry Devin and Elizabeth with me...my beautiful children.

I will forever miss you, Devin and Elizabeth. Know that no matter how many days, months, years pass by, you are never far from my thoughts. I will hold you in my heart until the day we meet again.

I love you, sweet babies!

Devin Lee

Elizabeth Ann

Devin and Elizabeth

All Clean!

I finally figured out how to make some photo collages...woo hoo! Here are a few shots from the boys in their new towels from Christmas! Deb - you were right - Aiden's picture is so cute in black and white!

There's nothing like an all clean little boy!!!

Christmas

Christmas was a lot of fun this year, even though the twins weren't really sure what was going on. They did pretty good opening their presents and Landon was able to hold back and let them try for a while before we gave him the "okay" to help! Aiden loved eating the paper - and I was amazed at how fast he would get that into his mouth and soggy! Austin just loved to play with it and shake it around.

Dave and I both had 2 weeks off around the holidays, so we had a lot of time to just hang out as a family. It was nice not to have to rush out each morning. During that time, Aiden took off crawling the first weekend, and finally on the last weekend, Austin figured it out! Landon had a ton of fun playing with his new toys and painting...and now he's learning what it REALLY means to have baby brothers now that they are mobile (and can get to his toys!)!!!

Here are some pictures from our fun....(one of these days I will get the collage feature to work - I love when you do that, Deb!)

Landon helping make cookies for Santa...

Aiden and Austin smiling for the camera...

Cookies and milk are ready for Santa....

Present time!

New hats for the boys....

Pajama's all day...Merry Christmas!

2009

I can't believe it's a new year! Seems like 2008 just started and now it's over!! I remember feeling a little of this when 2005 ended (the year Landon was born)...but time didn't seem to move quite as fast as it did this year. The start of a new year means the year Austin and Aiden were born is over and they are almost 1. How can that be? Landon will also turn 4 this year, which is just as hard to believe. I seem to have forgotten that he has been growing just as the twins have been - he's such a big boy!! But entering 2009 also means an anniversary...a 5 year anniversary. A hard one.

January 15, 2004...our precious Devin Lee and Elizabeth Ann were born. That same day, they went to Heaven. It was both one of the best and also THE worst day of my life. This isn't the first anniversary of their loss - there have been others to face, but for some reason it's been on my mind so much more. They have been on my mind. I don't know if it's being the "5th" anniversary, or watching the boys grow, especially the twins, or reading about other moms who have lost their babies and knowing their pain. I'm not sure, but it's here. I look back at what I was doing 5 years ago today...I had no idea how much my life would change forever. In both hard and also amazing ways.

More to share on this....thank you for reading.